Revelations From a Broken Heart

I will give warning that just typing the title of this post brought tears to my eyes.  It may be a little sad, but it is quite therapeutic to write about.  Lots has happened since my last post.  The rest of July composed traveling to Phoenix for Origami Owl's first convention, October put me into another decade of living, November was fun with meeting Florida-Georgia Line and having a blast at their concert, December brought Christmas and the last time, in  my mind, I saw my Grandma, January brought new hopes of learning new skills by transferring positions and a broken heart of saying goodbye to my precious Grandma.  I know I will see her again on the other side.  In fact, I see her in everything and yet still miss her so much.

Grandma was more than my mom's mom.  Grandma was one of my biggest fans.  She knew when I was faking a smile and called me on it.  She had the right words to say to help me realize I needed to make some changes.  They were not always easy, but her words of affirmation that better things are coming made it so much easier.  We had so much in common.  Grandma loved being creative, recycling old into new, watching PBS and Downton Abbey, cherishing every moment and gifts from others, animals, family history, and most importantly her Lord and Saviour.  The day we buried her I lost everything I managed to keep together in the cemetery.  While in that period of losing my mind I managed to start praising Jesus for giving her to me, taking care of her and continuing to take care of her in heaven.  She doesn't have to suffer any more and I want to be with her so bad.  I will continue her legacy here on earth until I am called to be reunited with her.

If you need to know how much a loved one cherished their family, go through their things after they are gone.  I helped go through some of her things last weekend.  One thing to note is Grandma realized her house was insanely dusty.  If there was anything that she cherished it was put in plastic of some sort to protect it.  The plastic could be a bread bag, plastic from a magazine, or anything that it would fit in.  My moment in how proud Grandma was of me was finding her invitation to my college graduation like this (with addresses blurred out for security):

In the thickest plastic possible and cardboard to keep it from getting bent there it is and another heart broken cry came over me.  She couldn't make it because of her health, but finding this took place of her presence.  I know that if she were to be around for my wedding then that invitation would join it.  If I get married, I will have to remember to address one to her and put it in this.  She will be there in spirit along with my Maw-maw.  They are both my angels and no one can convince me that I don't have the best angel crew. 

While in this period of mourning I have managed to get upset and cry at the happiest commercials.  One of them is the Walgreen's commercial where the man is bringing a little girl a big bear in the hospital.  I have such a hard time with it because the last time I was in a hospital I was reading  and singing to my Grandma until she passed.  Massive teddy bears take on a whole new meaning when you don't have anyone to take them to. 

I am working on my "new normal" as many people have lovingly phrased.  Her magazines have a new home in the program department of the Girl Scouts so that girls can make vision boards.  I have some of her craft materials that will be donated so that her love for crafts continues.  I found and kept her instructions (and some materials) for what she called a "God's Promises Dragonfly".  The wings had crystal glitter that made rainbows in the room when the sun hit them.  I had an idea when I woke up this morning to make small ones and use them as Christmas tree ornaments.  I might get on a roll and make some for family and friends. 

Thank you for reading what could possibly be the hardest post I have ever written.

Until We Meet Again,

Manda