Folks have been worried about me. I don't blame them. I'm worried about me. I think I've gotten down to why I've been so quiet or should I say "depressed". I have my quiet moments but they only really last a week. This time it keeps going. I explained to my two closest friends that I don't know why I'm in this particular mood and that I would talk about it but I didn't know where to start or what it is.
"I don't believe you" was said when I said I am okay. I thought I was okay. There is denial in everything folks. I had it and now I'm over that hurdle. Even a guy friend, I will call him "Brother J", asked if I was okay and I had a melt down. I told him "I am in this weird mood, I am stuck and I don't know how to crawl out of it". It was 3 AM but I needed that cry. Kinda wished it wasn't so late so that I could call for a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, even if I have no idea what is bothering me.
I feel extremely grateful for friends that pray for me. I am feeling God working in me, comforting me and helping me understand why I feel this way. He is in control. Brother J preached his first sermon on Sunday and did a fantastic job. He has no idea how much it touched me to hear the things he said. He told the story of God's Embroidery. (Look it up sometime. You will be blessed.) I will never look at embroidery the same again. I am only seeing the backside of God's beautiful work and I just have to understand it will all turn out according to God's plan.
I have a hard time explaining why it is so hard to say how I feel without crying my eyes out. Living with a bi-polar family member where you don't know what is going to be said and, even worse, done if you do or say something makes it difficult to live the rest of your life "not on the edge". There were several times I was slapped or yelled at for simply saying how I feel. I said my feelings in an appropriate manner but that did not make a difference.
Now down to the hard(er) stuff. I don't necessarily work for the money but it has gotten harder to pay bills and eat too. I have a choice, get a second job or get a new job that pays more. I know a second job will be a second pain and not necessarily something I want to do. There is some "rearranging" supposedly in the works at my current job. I've been told to hold on but that was over a month ago. You get tired of holding on and buying time in a position that is no longer contributing to your retirement plan because it has been frozen. I might be able to buy a 60 page composition notebook for 15 cents during back-to-school season at the walmart when I retire. :(
I'm trying to eat healthier and exercise but when you don't have much money to buy the healthier stuff then you have to eat the cheap, not so healthy stuff. I'm doing as much as I can in the exercise department. Trying to get up the gumption to just go out there and walk by myself but things are so much more fun in multiples. I would love to sign up for classes but that involves money too. :(
I am extremely thankful for friends that give me a hand when I need it. I hardly ask but I am told to not worry about it. I know you are in circumstances where you can help and in the future you won't be able to. I remind myself every day of that, don't you worry. I HATE BEING DEPENDENT ON OTHER PEOPLE!!! The only person I want to be dependent on is my heavenly Father. He takes care of the birds, he will also take care of me.
This is just the main idea of what is bothering me.
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